"To Whom It May Concern"
SICBELLY13, a.k.a. Sean Parker
This is my story. Well, the important parts, anyway. I'm writing this
down in the hopes that I can look back on it someday, and laugh at
myself for being a hung-over idiot.
Today started like any other. Well, not quite. I woke from my drunken
slumber at about half-past eight, took a piss, staggered into the
kitchen for some day-old coffee, and sat down in front of the TV for my
morning fix of local news. I lit a cigarette (the first one of the day is
always the best), and started flipping through the channels. Thay
were all the same (they always are), but in a different way this time.
I tried channel 2. What the fuck? Where I should be seeing the
ever-so-perky visage of my favorite local "away girl", there was nothing
but a black and gray EBS logo. I then tried channel 13. Same shit!
Channel 4? Cannel 5? I'm sure you can see the pattern developing
here, can't you? Along the very bottom of the screen rolled a
constantly looping list of places to avoid. Some were schools: others
were office buildings and such. And what the fuck is with the sirens?
I vaguely recalled hearing something on the news last night. I seem to
remember the anchorman with the bad rug saying some shit about a
new virus or flu or something. So what? Some people call in sick and
it makes the fucking news? I knew Utah was a boring place, but come
on. I turned the TV off and went for the radio. Shit, Dissapointed
again! Figures.
At first, all I got was that "emergency" squeal. I turned the dial until I
finally heard a voice. It was the local shock-jock "Slick Bill". He didn't
sound like he was having nearly as much fun as usual, so I listened
closer. He was going on and on about some shit. I could barely
understand him. I was, however, able to decipher a couple of
unsettling phrases. Ones like "Keep all doors locked", and " Under NO
circumstances should you attempt to make contact".
Jesus, I thought. What is this dude so fucking wound up for? This
has got to be some kind of sick-ass joke!
My curiosity piqued when he began to scream. Not fake screaming,
either. None of that "Hollywood" shit here. This was real. Too real.
He sounded like he was being ripped apart, or something. When the
screaming ended I could hear growling noises in the background.
Then the signal cut off. I think that did more for my state of awareness
than any amount of cold coffee could.
I ran back to my room to get properly dressed. If the shit really is
hitting the fan, I'll be damned if I'm going to die in a pair of
"Spongebob" boxers! Then (as the fog of my hangover started to
clear), I looked out the window.
Chaos. There's no other way to put it. It looked like every single
person in the whole damn city had dropped some bad acid, or
something. People were chasing each other, running each other down
with their cars, and clubbing each other! Not to mention some crazy
asshole out there with a handgun. Talk about fucked up! It was like
some giant game of rugby with no rules, where all the players are
wearing the same fucking shirts! I couldn't tell who was who out there.
God, this is so insane!
And just when I thought I'd seen it all, it got worse. A lot worse. From
where I sat, I watched a little kid remove one of the kidneys from some
teenage slacker-type kid in an "I Love Soccer Moms" T-shirt. The little
bastard wasn't alone, either. While the kid was busy clawing away at
the guy's lower back, an old lady (who should've needed a walker, by
the way), ran out from behind a truck and started chewing on the side
of the guy's head! She fucking ran!! Once the guy was down a whole
shitload of them came out of nowhere to join in. Not even in the
movies have I ever seen anything like this!
I'm sure as hell not going out there! What the fuck is happening
here? Is it everywhere? I wonder if this has anything to do with all the
crazy shit that's goin on in Africa?
I tried to call my parents but nobody answered the phone. God, I
hope they're okay. They're pretty smart, maybe they got the fuck out
of Dodge when it started getting weird. Maybe not. Maybe they're out
there chasing people around, too. Shit! I can't think like that.
I think I'm just going to sit tight. Jesus! I never thought I'd need to
fear a little kid, let alone an elderly woman!
Fuck this! Yup, I'm staying right here. Oh shit, there's someone
knocking. Should I answer it? What if I don't and it's my mom, or
something? What if I do and it's not? I suppose I should at least go
check it out.
Okay, I'm going to look out the peephole. I'll finish this once I know
what's going on.
Whoever it is sure is knocking hard.
down in the hopes that I can look back on it someday, and laugh at
myself for being a hung-over idiot.
Today started like any other. Well, not quite. I woke from my drunken
slumber at about half-past eight, took a piss, staggered into the
kitchen for some day-old coffee, and sat down in front of the TV for my
morning fix of local news. I lit a cigarette (the first one of the day is
always the best), and started flipping through the channels. Thay
were all the same (they always are), but in a different way this time.
I tried channel 2. What the fuck? Where I should be seeing the
ever-so-perky visage of my favorite local "away girl", there was nothing
but a black and gray EBS logo. I then tried channel 13. Same shit!
Channel 4? Cannel 5? I'm sure you can see the pattern developing
here, can't you? Along the very bottom of the screen rolled a
constantly looping list of places to avoid. Some were schools: others
were office buildings and such. And what the fuck is with the sirens?
I vaguely recalled hearing something on the news last night. I seem to
remember the anchorman with the bad rug saying some shit about a
new virus or flu or something. So what? Some people call in sick and
it makes the fucking news? I knew Utah was a boring place, but come
on. I turned the TV off and went for the radio. Shit, Dissapointed
again! Figures.
At first, all I got was that "emergency" squeal. I turned the dial until I
finally heard a voice. It was the local shock-jock "Slick Bill". He didn't
sound like he was having nearly as much fun as usual, so I listened
closer. He was going on and on about some shit. I could barely
understand him. I was, however, able to decipher a couple of
unsettling phrases. Ones like "Keep all doors locked", and " Under NO
circumstances should you attempt to make contact".
Jesus, I thought. What is this dude so fucking wound up for? This
has got to be some kind of sick-ass joke!
My curiosity piqued when he began to scream. Not fake screaming,
either. None of that "Hollywood" shit here. This was real. Too real.
He sounded like he was being ripped apart, or something. When the
screaming ended I could hear growling noises in the background.
Then the signal cut off. I think that did more for my state of awareness
than any amount of cold coffee could.
I ran back to my room to get properly dressed. If the shit really is
hitting the fan, I'll be damned if I'm going to die in a pair of
"Spongebob" boxers! Then (as the fog of my hangover started to
clear), I looked out the window.
Chaos. There's no other way to put it. It looked like every single
person in the whole damn city had dropped some bad acid, or
something. People were chasing each other, running each other down
with their cars, and clubbing each other! Not to mention some crazy
asshole out there with a handgun. Talk about fucked up! It was like
some giant game of rugby with no rules, where all the players are
wearing the same fucking shirts! I couldn't tell who was who out there.
God, this is so insane!
And just when I thought I'd seen it all, it got worse. A lot worse. From
where I sat, I watched a little kid remove one of the kidneys from some
teenage slacker-type kid in an "I Love Soccer Moms" T-shirt. The little
bastard wasn't alone, either. While the kid was busy clawing away at
the guy's lower back, an old lady (who should've needed a walker, by
the way), ran out from behind a truck and started chewing on the side
of the guy's head! She fucking ran!! Once the guy was down a whole
shitload of them came out of nowhere to join in. Not even in the
movies have I ever seen anything like this!
I'm sure as hell not going out there! What the fuck is happening
here? Is it everywhere? I wonder if this has anything to do with all the
crazy shit that's goin on in Africa?
I tried to call my parents but nobody answered the phone. God, I
hope they're okay. They're pretty smart, maybe they got the fuck out
of Dodge when it started getting weird. Maybe not. Maybe they're out
there chasing people around, too. Shit! I can't think like that.
I think I'm just going to sit tight. Jesus! I never thought I'd need to
fear a little kid, let alone an elderly woman!
Fuck this! Yup, I'm staying right here. Oh shit, there's someone
knocking. Should I answer it? What if I don't and it's my mom, or
something? What if I do and it's not? I suppose I should at least go
check it out.
Okay, I'm going to look out the peephole. I'll finish this once I know
what's going on.
Whoever it is sure is knocking hard.